everyone messes up
by DistinguishedRunawayMiracle
Summary: So my name is Phil Lester I am a typical 27-year-old British guy who makes weird videos on youtube with my best friend and roommate Dan. I used to think I knew everything there was about my best friend. But something happened yesterday that changed my mind. Sometimes I wish I never knew at all, sometimes I wish I knew sooner. Phan, rated T for alcohol and suggestive themes
1. the confession

So my name is Phil Lester I am a typical 27-year-old British guy who makes weird videos on youtube with my best friend and roommate Dan. I used to think I knew everything there was about my best friend, in fact, two days ago I thought I knew all there is to him. But something happened yesterday that changed my mind.

It all started in the morning when I was completely oblivious as always and went to get some cereal. Simply walking into the living room, of course, is when it all started going to hell. I stepped out into the living room to see Dan crying, and it wasn't how people typically cry because he wasn't making a sound. But he was obviously crying because there were two twin lines of tears streaming down his face while he was staring straight ahead not bothering to wipe them off. So naturally since I'm a good friend I sat down next to him on the couch and put my arm on his shoulder to comfort him, but when my hand came in contact with his shoulder he flinched almost violently.

So I dropped my hand and asked as calmly as I could trying to make sure he doesn't freak out even more, "what's wrong." He snapped his head towards me and stared at me with the most intense death stare I have ever seen. I wanted to look away so badly because it felt like with every second he looked at me I was getting stabbed in the chest, but I didn't because something was keeping me there staring into his deep brown eyes. In reality, it was only a couple of seconds but it felt like hours when he started talking, but I wished he would just continue staring at me with hatred because of what he said.

He screamed at me "you want to know what's wrong, your what's wrong." I looked down at my hands in my lap as he kept going. "you always do the most annoying and stupid things ever."

"I'm sor-"

"And you stay up all night, so I can't go to sleep."

"Dan."

"And worse of all despite how much you annoy me and act so stupid. All I can ever think about is how I can get lost in your eyes." At this part, I looked up to face him wondering where he was going with this. "And my legs always get weak at the slightest touch, and how much I just want to be near you because God Phil I love you."

I froze Dan loved me? My brain couldn't comprehend it, and Dan was straight, I'm straight, he couldn't possibly think that I liked him. Oh god, what am I going to tell him I don't want him to go back to cutting himself, I couldn't live with myself if that ever happened again. While all this was going through my head, Dan sat there crying and when I remembered this I still didn't know what to do. I didn't love him, but I couldn't break his heart Dan's my best friend. I couldn't imagine life without him just the thought of not ever getting to see his gorgeous smile ever again made my heart ache.

I sighed "Dan I'm heading out I'll see you later." He looked up at me with red eyes and a look of absolute sorrow and regret on his face and all I wanted to do at that moment was cuddle up with him to make him feel better since he looked cuter when he was happy. I hit myself in my mind your straight you don't like Dan your just confused and want to love him so he can still be your friend. You don't want to give him false hope. I stood up and walked to the door staring at Dan the whole time until I finally opened the door took one final look at Dan and closed it behind me.

I stood outside our apartment for a while just thinking of something to do or someplace to go until I decided to go to the local club that was only a couple blocks away. What better way to clear my head then alcohol and dancing. The walk there was uneventful other than thinking about Dan, that seems to be all I am capable of thinking about since Dan confessed to me. All I wanted was a distraction, and a distraction I was going to get. I walked into the club confidently letting the loud, obnoxious base fill my eardrums making my blood pulsate and walked to the bar and sat down next to a slightly short, slightly chubby, blond girl with brown eyes. She looked up from her drink and giggled slightly at me, perfect.

Three drinks in and I was dancing with the same girl from before, I don't know her name but for now I'll call her Emily because she looks like one. She whispered in my ear about something and at this point I didn't care I was just nodding because this was the first time in a long time that I did anything crazy or stupid, and the first time in several hours I didn't think about Dan. Next thing I know I'm making out with Emily in a taxi on our way to her house. Thankfully my distraction was working, that is until the morning.

I had a small headache that I knew would be just fine with some aspirin. However the feeling I had inside of my heart, I wasn't quite sure. I sighed as I looked at the sleeping girl beside me and I still don't know her name. I felt sticky, gross, and dirty, so I decided to take a shower, unfortunately, I don't know how much of it I can just wash off.

My mind was full of thoughts about the girl I've been calling Emily I felt guilty for using her for my problems, but for an unexplainable reason I felt more guilty to Dan as if I was betraying him. Which was stupid I'm not dating him, and I don't even like him I'm straight and last night proved that. I turned off the water, and that's when I realized I didn't have a change of clothes.

I walked out of the bathroom with a towel looking around when Emily came into the room all smiley and giggly and said "if you want you can use my ex-boyfriend's clothes." I nodded a yes, and she left the room and returned a couple of minuted later. "here you go, she said as she handed me the towels.

I thanked her and quickly changed not a point in going away to change since she's already seen it. Listen I'm sorry but I got to go homework is starting in a couple of hours." She smiled and giggled again and said okay just one second and left only to return a short while later with a strip of paper that had what I assumed was her number followed by xxx call me -Sophia without saying goodbye I walked out of the house. I was about to throw away the slip of paper but instead decided to shove it back into my pants. I don't know why I decided to keep it, but I did Well at least now I know her name I thought as I did the walk of shame back to my house.

A/N: Hey guys so this will probably be about ten chapters long and remember this is only they beginning to tell me what you guys think of Sophia love her, hate her, feel bad for her. And what do you guys think about Phil's choices. Stupid? Understandable? And of course, Dan if you were him how would you feel what would you do. I'll probably update in a little over a week until next time see you later y cookies


	2. the attempt

I made it back to my house that I shared with the one person that I did not want to see at the moment, why I thought it was such a good idea I have no clue. I stood outside the door for a couple of minutes, reluctant to go inside.

It's kind of funny how I've been doing that a lot recently. Finally, I decided to go inside and face reality no matter how much I didn't want to. When I was fully inside the apartment, I was greeted with the site of Dan unconscious with blood coming from his arms. I ran and slid next to him examining his wounds, and he had cuts on his arms and a razor lying next to him it was obvious this was no accident Dan did this to himself.

My throat constricted when I realized that his was my fault. After the shock was gone, I called 999 and started to cry. I was a horrible best friend Dan was here alone broken and probably hating himself for something he couldn't control, and what was I doing while this was happening you might ask? just fucking some random girl without a care in the world.

Then the ambulance showed up, and they laid him on a stretcher and I got into the ambulance with him, and surprisingly nobody paid attention to it. I asked one of the nurses inside "is he going to live," as in one of those cliche soap operas because I'm pathetic. The nurse looked to be in thought for a moment seemingly trying to think of a nice way to tell me my best friend's going to die.

After a couple of seconds, she said, "well I can't make a professional diagnosis since I'm judging only by looking at him and I'm just a nurse." She said tapping her foot thinking. "But by the looks of things none of the wounds seem an immediate threat however with these kinds of things because he lost so much blood he has to want to live." Then we made it to the hospital, and I was escorted into the waiting room while they attached Dan up to some machines after about a couple of hours of tests and me staring at the clock.

A doctor came with a grim face and said, "Dan should wake up in a couple of hours and if he doesn't then he might never wake up." I nodded not trusting myself to speak with the slightly good news and slightly bad news. "you can see him if you wa-." Before he could finish, I bolted into his room, and I felt my heart break when I saw Dan.

He was pale even paler than me, and he had an IV attached to his arm. Suddenly I started noticing in Dan a different light, how cute he looks with his hobbit hair, how soft his skin is, how peaceful he looks sleeping, and I started feeling a strong urge to protect him from anything that might hurt him even though it's my fault he's here. I started crying again but this time from complete and utter confusion.

Maybe I have always loved Dan, but what if it's just family love plus guiltiness"? I've never felt like this towards any other family or friends, but I'm straight. Maybe I'm not, I had no problem sleeping with

A/N: Hey guys this is the next chapter as you can see a lot happened the question is who do you sympathize with and why also tell me what you think of it so far and should I continue writing it? Thats all for now see you next time

Sophia. Since I got so absorbed thinking, I didn't even notice when Dan finally woke up, but I guess Dan didn't want me to notice either because he was making an effort not to move and be as silent as possible. That plan crashed and burned when in an attempt to get comfortable he moved, and the bed creaked faintly. I tackled him sobbing and repeatedly telling him I was sorry while he stood there as stiff as a board. Then I whispered in his ear "I think I might love you too." I could almost sense his smile and then he slammed his lips into mine, and it was truly one of the best kisses I ever had it was messy and rough and just pent up emotion.

The next couple of weeks were probably some of the best weeks of my life. I decided not to label my sexuality or what Dan and I are because it's complicated, but all that matters was that we were both happy.

That is until I got a call from an unknown number "Hello," I said.

"Hi this is Sophia since you never called back I thought I would call you," she said.

"What do you want," I said annoyed because she woke me up.

"will you meet me at the Starbucks on Maple Street?" I looked at Dan who was sleeping beside me with his face shoved in his pillow and hair sticking up everywhere, before saying okay. Carefully so I don't wake Dan up I got out of bed got ready and left towards Starbucks. I was about half way there when I stopped and thought what was I doing, and I have the love of my life adorably snuggled into my bed and yet I'm out here meeting some girl I slept with once, and for what? But for some reason I kept going.

When I got there, I looked around until I spotted Sophia sitting in a booth in the corner. I sat down across from her and said, "alright, I'm here what do you want."

she sighed "listen I know you don't want to be here because you never called me and I am okay with that, I mean you were good like really good." She sighed taking in a shaky breath I could tell she was nervous. "but you know it was just a one night stand, but I went to the doctors for just a basic check up, and they told me I was pregnant." My world came crashing down these past couple of weeks were the best of my life, and now this stupid girl has to come and ruin it.

"are you sure it's mine?" I asked begging here to tell me she's not sure.

But instead a single tear rolls down her face, and she said, "Yeah I haven't slept with someone other than you in a couple of months."

"So what do you want to do with it," I said gesturing to her stomach.

She touched her stomach "I'm deeply sorry, but I'm not getting rid of it, it's already starting to grow on me."

I nod "so how would you like me in this situation."

She looked me dead in the eye and said, "I expect you to be active in this child's life."

"Of course, I thought, I couldn't' get out that easily.

Then she said barely audible we could get married. I looked up at her again to see if she's serious. To be honest the thought doesn't sound to unappealing, I have always wanted a real family and Dan makes it clear that he never wants children I thought spitefully.


	3. the abandonment

I shifted my weight from foot to foot while I lightly knocked on Dan's door. Finally after a longer then normal time I heard him weakly say "come in." I opened the door and sat down on the edge of the bed opposite from him because I'm scared to sit closer in case I upset him which would be understandable. I looked down at my hands so I didn't have to look at him because I was scared for when I have to tell him about where I've been what we talked about you and who it was with.

"you weren't here when I woke up," he said.

I sighed "yea I know and I'm so"

"HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON MY LIKE THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN DATING FOR A MONTH YET," he said interrupting me.

"How dare you accuse me of cheating I said coldly." I can't believe he would think so low of me as to cheat on him.

"Where have you been then," he said a little more calmly although you could still here the bitter tone in it since he didn't quite believe me.

"I was getting coffee with a friend," I replied indifferently.

"Oh really and what were you guys talking about?" he asked.

I guess this is it I have to tell him. "Before we started dating I hooked up with this girl her names Emily, and today she asked me to meet her for coffee as friends I might add" I ignored the fact that I wasn't thinking about going as just friends when I went. "Basically she asked me to come to tell me she was pregnant with my baby and we decided together that we didn't want the baby growing up in a broken home so we decided that we will date for a year and then get married besides she seems like a lovely girl I could probably end up loving her if I tried."

That's when Dan broke out into sobs it was heart ranching and I felt bad because I was the cause of it. So I did the only logical thing to do, I hugged him and said it's okay over and over again. I did that until he ripped himself out of my embrace and yelled "no it's not okay, I had a crush on you for however many years, and after so much crying and hating of myself you came and told me that you liked me too and I was so happy that last few weeks felt like heaven on earth, and now it's coming back down. I knew you couldn't actually care. Who would actually care about me, I'm ugly, and boring, and annoying, even I hate myself. I felt so horrible I mean how could I do that to him he didn't deserve this. None of it is his fault and if I could I would spend every minute with him but I made a mistake and now I have to own up to it.

however that doesn't mean I can't help him right now. I look him dead in the eye and said "stop, you are amazing the way you are and you might not be able to see it but I can."

He rolled his eyes "yet you still broke up with me." Dan... I pleaded him to stop but he continues anyways. "I mean just look at me I understand why you wouldn't want to date me."

I had enough of him talking so poorly to himself so I did the only thing I could think of to shut him up, I kissed him. It started as a sweet innocent kiss but then it started to become heated and in the back of my head I knew I shouldn't be doing this because I'm technically taking advantage of him considering I'm suppose to be moving in with Emily tomorrow and this will make moving it a lot harder for Dan, but I guess I'm selfish because even that didn't stop me from kissing back and it ended with us making love for the first time together and it was as incredible as I imagined it would be. Afterwards I slowly drifted off to sleep not thinking about the side affects this would cause for him.

I woke up the next morning to my phone buzzing I checked and saw it was Emily texting me the text read **hey tell me when you're done packing and I'll come pick you up.** I started crying because I probably just fucked Dan up even more then he already was and it's because I'm stupid and selfish and want to keep him as mine even though I have to own up to my responsibly. I look over to my right and see Dan there sleeping peacefully, I kiss his forehead and gently so as not to wake him got out of the bed and started to pack everything up as fast as I could so that way I didn't have to look at Dan's face when I left. It would just be to hard for me, I guess I'm a coward and selfish. I saw Dan gently move so I hurriedly finished and texted Emily while leaving and slamming the door behind me I felt slightly guilty knowing that me slamming the door probably woke Dan up. Luckily I won't be there to see the after math I created as I waited out on the stairs for Emily to pick me up.

 **A/N: hey guys sorry it's shorter then normal I just started school today and I felt like this was a good place to leave it off anyways and poor Dan he's not gonna know what happened in the morning.**


	4. The End?

So I woke up today like any other morning the sun was still shining, the birds were still singing, the world didn't blow up, and to any outside stranger they would see nothing wrong just a man waking up next to his fiance and now expecting mother. But there was something wrong, in fact everything was wrong these sheets were not black and white, there were curtains blocking the sunlight, the walls were not a plain smooth white, and there certainly wasn't any Dan. Oh Dan my wonderful boyfriend that I miss so much, or should he say ex-boyfriend now?

No I refuse to say that. We are not exes we are past lovers and now we will be back to the way we were, best friends. The way that fate intended our relationship to be, strictly platonic but you see... I don't want our relationship to be strictly platonic. I wanted to be able to make love to Dan, hug him for more then two seconds, holding his hands for no reason, and even just be able to tell him I love him one more time, because I loves Dan so much and it tears my heart knowing all the self-esteem I was able to put into Dan was gone all because I had to knock her up like a fucking twat.

But I couldn't possibly leave Emily to be on her own. I had to face up to my mistakes even if it means breaking Dan's heart but it's okay. I might always dream about Dan every single time I'm asleep, and he will always be in the back of my mind and when I'm all alone I will always replay every single moment I had with Dan and think about all the little yet obvious signs that Dan had loved him so much from the beginning and how I wished I would have known sooner and maybe then none of this would have happened. That Dan will always be strong because he always is, even when he's dealing with his own issues he always comforts me. He is strong enough to deal with the heartbreak he was always so much stronger than me.

Dan will of course fall in love again. Maybe this time with someone who won't screw it up and Dan will get his happily ever after or maybe they will and he will fall again only to jump back better as ever. But either way Dan will get his happily ever after eventually. He will get married move to London become one of the best YouTubers out there with his husband supporting him every second of the way. Then maybe... he will write a book or even go to Japan because he has always wanted to go there. Of course Dan will get to do it all because he deserves it all. He deserves the world and I failed him, so for punishment I will stay in this life I created for myself the one I always thought I wanted before I went and fell in love with my best friend. Going to work everyday in a nine to five job, then coming home to a wife and child with dinner on the table, maybe a second one on the way.

But now all I want is to have Dan back. Unfortunately for me it's too late for any of that now. I already made up my mind now I have to keep it. I have to just deal with it... I just have to.

Although I may not be able to see him in person without him telling me to leave. I will still definitely watch every single one of his videos and I always press the like button and that will be good enough.

Then I suddenly got a text rudely awakening me from my thoughts. I glanced over at Emily making sure the obnoxious noise didn't wake her up, luckily it didn't I really didn't want to talk to her. Before grabbing my phone and seeing it was from Dan my heart stopped even though it was a simple one word question, **why**?

I typed back a response as quickly as I could because, **I just had too**. It took Dan seven minutes to type back but hey who's counting?

 **I know I shouldn't but I still love you.**

my breath hitched before I typed faster then I think I ever have before, **I love you too.**

then it took another thirteen minutes for him to reply with just two words **come back**. I glanced down at my screen then glanced over at my Fiance then at her stomach where my child was. I bit my fingers should I really be doing this? Do I want to break her heart right after I broke Dan's. They say follow your heart but is it really so easy? Should I really just leave her? Can I just leave her? That's not fair she didn't ask for this baby, but neither did you my conscious said.

"Fucking hell" I whispered under my breath before grabbing my jacket and swiftly leaving my house. I was only going there to to make sure he knows I have responsibilities now, I will still love him but he has to move on maybe I stay five minutes or... the rest of my life. I don't know anymore I will just wait until I get there.

 **A/N: hey guys so.. I'm not quite sure what to do I was planning on this whole spectacular ending with around twenty chapters before it actually ends but for some reason I feel like I want this to be the ending I like the whole ending and I like how the reader gets to interpret the ending from here what exactly do they talk about do they get back together right there? do they get back together all? do they scream and yell at each other? do they sit down civilized and talk calmly before going into a mutual agreement? what happened to the baby? do they have and keep it? miscarriage? adoption?...abortion? whatever you want the ending to be it's your unless you want me to write an ending and then... i dont know we will see**


End file.
